[Verse 1: Penny Parker] Day in, day out, everything's dark and grisly Everyone's mean and depressed [Hayley Stewart] I just sit about and wallow in mis'ry 'cause misery's what I do best [Penny Parker] Oh yeah, you bet it Putting on makeup to screaming and ire Leaking through every wall [Hayley Stewart] I start to fantasize my one desire Being the fairest of all Y'know, being a princess with rainbows and magic and stuff [Penny Parker] But I won't get it [Chorus: Hayley Stewart] Big girls know that magic's fake And you're not a little boy anymore [Penny Parker] So give up the goose chase You miserable moose face [Penny & Hayley Stewart] And do your damn chores [Penny Parker] You've already got enough against ya [Hayley Stewart] Keep your head on straight, girl [Penny Parker & Hayley Stewart] Happiness and livin' life can wait, girl [Penny Parker] You'll never get anything done like this If you keep singin' this song [Penny Parker & Hayley Stewart] There's no way you could be destined for greatness [Hayley Stewart] Please prove me wrong [Penny Parker] What was that? [Hayley Stewart] Oh, heh, nothin' But hey [Verse 2: Hayley Stewart] Think of how great it would be if we lived in A huge castle all to ourselves [Penny Parker] Dining and dancing with style and rhythm Charming the townsfolk and elves You must be dreaming But yeah Wielding a necklace with magical powers Knighting the knights with my sword [Hayley Stewart] Looking fantastic for hours and hours Being all loved and adored [Penny Parker & Hayley Stewart] We must be dreamin' [Chorus: Hayley Stewart] Big girls don't just run from life [Penny Parker & Hayley Stewart] We keep fightin' 'til there's nothin' to fight [Penny Parker] But takin' a breath now There ain't as much left now I guess, bein' a princess would be pretty tight [Penny Parker & Hayley Stewart] Too bad you could never ever have that Keep your head on straight, girl Happiness and livin' life can wait, girl You'll just make yourself sadder and sadder If you keep singin' this song There's no way you could ever really matter [Penny Parker] Please prove me wrong [Hayley Stewart] You too, huh? [Penny Parker] Yeah [Bridge: Hayley Stewart] Mornings with croquet and crumpets [Penny Parker] Lunchtime with biscuits and tea [Hayley Stewart] Trumpeters playing their trumpets Just for me [Penny Parker] Just for me [Hayley Stewart] Living each day at our finest [Penny Parker] And stopping to smell every rose [Hayley Stewart] Everyone chirping "your highness" [Penny Parker] There I go [Hayley Stewart] There I go [Outro: Penny Parker & Hayley Stewart] You don't even make twelve bucks an hour Keep your head on straight, girl Happiness and livin' life can wait, girl You can be a princess when you're sleepin' So just stop singin' this song Nobody's ever answerin' your weepin' Please prove me wrong

BOTH We are the animals, we are the animals Animal sidekicks to aid in your quest! We are the animals, we are the animals Animal sidekicks, and we’re just the best BEARIAN: I’m the curmudgeonly bear, I’m begrudgingly there, by your side no matter where or when ANTABBY: I’m the adorable cat, unignorable that we’ll make banter and quips now and then BOTH: We are the animals, we are the animals Your doggone sidekicks, and that ain’t no bull! Duck, and we’ll start raising hair Cause this odd-critter pair Is so charming and marketable

Shelbyford: Now, if the two of you should become proper princesses, there are a few key rules and regulations you must follow. Shelbyford: It's quite a foreign concept, a seldom-uttered tale But living a life of royalty is fraught with pains and ails! The subjects are revolting Chuckford: They're turning against us, too! Both: So what can we mere powerful people do? Shelbyford: Just keep a posh appearance up for the good of the people's sake Chuckford: And if they should object! Shelbyford: Let them eat cake! Penny: But...how does that solve anything? Shelbyford: It does! Hayley: Yeah, but...how? Chuckford: Haaah...hooooow? Shelbyford: Your dress must be custom-tailored, your pearls must be silvered moons You must select the finest furs to make all the people swoon! And if you should spot opposers Chuckford: Trace your neck with a dainty bow! Shelbyford: And all the bad people will go away somehow! Shelbyford: If they've got time to arrange a coup they've got ample time to bake! Chuckford: So we just tell them this: Shelbyford: Let them eat cake! Hayley: So you...kill them. Chuckford: We just do the dance that the queen taught us, and they go away! Penny: The "finger across the throat" dance. Shelbyford: Yes, that's the one! Hayley: You're sending those people to die. Your Queen taught you to execute people. Chuckford: But she would never do something like that! She's the queen! Penny: ...hoo boy. Shelbyford: Our dearest queen rules over us in the wake of the king's attack! He went to the mead store Chuckford: And he hasn't come back. Hayley: So, wait...was he attacked or did he did he get drunk and wander off? Chuckford: Yes...it saddens us so... Shelbyford: Oh, boo hoo.... *BOTH BEGIN TO OBNOXIOUSLY CRY* Hayley: I'm trying to ask which...which one was it? WHICH ONE? HEY! Shelbyford: Oh, our sincerest apologies. We do miss father so. But! I must remain a proper princess! Chuckford: And I a proper prince! Both: For the queen. Penny: But...you're a princess! Princesses are supposed to be adored! Don't you want your people to actually like you? Shelbyford: Oh dear, after all of this, they still don't get it... Shelbyford: The future of our proud nation lies with the choices a princess makes! So I shall now decree Your apprenticeship to me! Both: So you two can one day seee..... Both: They should eat cake! Your apprenticeship starts now...

Guard: Your Highness! There are... Samina: Rebels in the tower? I suppose it is tuesday. Guard: No! Not Rebels...guests! Samina: What? Well, have you cleaned out the rebels for their arrival? Guard: No, they just showed up! The princess seems to have taken a liking to them. Apprenticed them, even! Samina: The princess apprentices a squirrel each thursday. Then she forgets about it each saturday. Nothing of concern. Guard: I must say, though, They are very strange princesses-in-training. Their Fair hair belies their...unique proportions and opinions. They speak of equal rights, respect for all peoples. It is...inspiring. Samina: ...THEY have returned? How? Dispose of them immediately. Guard: But...your highness! They are fair and kind! How could I ever do such a horrid thing to them? Samina: Guard- Guard: My name is Quigley, your highness. ...QUIGLEY. come with me. I have something to show you. You're quite a common subject, you tread a common trail... But ruling a nation's frought with frustrations always on your tail For now, everything is managed For now, everything's serene For now, I've been able to keep my hands clean. Guard: Indeed you have, my queen. But how? Samina: I speak, arrange, bargain, tweak, exchange, and end with a handshake And if they're unconvinced, let them eat cake. Guard: But, my Samina, that's rather open-ended. How would- Queen: Don't get all caught up in the specifics. Here, have some cake. Guard: Really?! Such a delicacy has never touched my humble tongue! I shall be eternally greatful for thy kindness! Queen: And now you see how I make my deals, dear Quigley. A little bit of sweetness A morsel of whipped cream And people whose intersecting views tend to lean on the extremes Will find themselves quite centered Restored to proper thought And hun, you KNOW that flavor ain't store-bought. Hohoho... Guard: It is truly heavenly, your highness! Queen: A little mint with a tiny hint of sprinkled coconut flakes And they're all overjoyed and eat their cake. Guard: I can TASTE the mint! It's subtle, yet divine! Queen: Ah, but the best part is what you cannot taste! Guard: What? Queen: There's a spice in here that I've pioneered, and it solves my problems quick It's my dear late husband's favorite...ARSENIC. Guard: Arse-GHH! Queen: And there it is. Guard: Y...you monster... Queen: (facetiously) Guards! Guards, come quickly! A rebel has made an attempt on my life! Your dear comrade has taken the blow. Give him a proper burial. (vile) He died a hero. Guard: Gh...uhhh..... Guard 2: My queen! Thank goodness you are safe! Tend to our fallen comrade, men. Oh, Quigley...your name...was terrible... Samina: So...my men refuse to dispose of them, do they? That's quite allright. Guards? Please bring to me the princesses in training. Guard 2: What for, your highness? Samina: I should like to dine, and to pick their minds, tommorow, at daybreak. And for the final course... Let them eat cake.

Chuckford: I must express my sincerest gratitude to the two of you. Shelbyford: You have taught us so much! Given us new leases on life! Such wondrous acts deserve a wondrous reward! Penny: So does that mean we can finally be princesses? Chuckford: Huh? No. Never. Hayley: Aw what? Penny: Seriously? Chuckford: You simply don't meet the requirements the royal rulebook imposes. I would overturn it if I could. Hayley: Ugh...you know what? Screw the books. Hayley: Maybe I'm not quite the finest Penny: Maybe I'm rowdy and free Hayley: Maybe I can't be "her highness"... Penny: But I'm me... Hayley: But I'm me... Shelbyford: And that matters so much more than some ratty book that's dozens of years old. Chuckford: A book that's done so much less for us in all those years than you've done in a matter of days...all of this is making me...do something new...THINK... Chuckford: Maybe it's not about dresses... Shelbyford: Maybe you can't do it wrong... Both Hayley & Penny: Maybe we've both been princesses... Hayley/Penny: All along... ALL: All along... ALL: Anybody can become a princess If you speak with your heart, girl Doesn't matter where or when you start, girl Find the beauty outside and within you And keep singin' your song No matter who stands in your way, continue and prove them wrong!